Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
by Chedea
Summary: Edward returns after three years to check up on Bella and finds her a very different woman than the one he left behind. Fate entwines their lives once again, but they soon learn that time does not heal all wounds. Can Edward fix what has been broken?
1. The Definition of Insanity

**I know, I know, the last thing I need is another new story with all my unfinished work lying around. But I am a true, all over the place, can't leash my imagination or inspiration writer. I just can't help myself. It's only going to be a short story, nothing too epic. But it is going to be an intense ride. So buckle up, or hang on or some other driving metaphor.**

"You don't…want me?"

"No."

The single word came out in a whisper. But the intent was clear. There was nothing even close to vacillation in the tone. It was one word, quiet but resolute.

"I don't understand," he said in response. She shook her head slowly, rolling her eyes at the same time.

"We had some great times, we laughed, we cried. It was really great. But it is over. I'm sorry."

She wasn't really. But apologizing always seemed to ease some of the tension.

"You are a bitch, Bella," he told her. She shrugged. Nothing she hadn't heard before. She knew all that already. She had gotten a similar response after her first boyfriend from college had gotten the boot after six months of romance and an attempt at hot and heavy sex. The end result was the loss of Bella's virginity, more roses than she could hang upside-down to dry and a messy break up where she told him she didn't love him, didn't want him anymore, that he should take his shit and go. He had been devastated. She had wondered briefly if that was what she looked like when _he_ told her he didn't want her anymore, but it was only briefly. She couldn't linger on that thought for very long. It made her want to do horrible things to forget about it.

For a long time she had sunk into depression. It had been catatonia and then depression, a deep, sinking emptiness that she could never fill no matter what she did or how badly she had wanted to. Jake had tried to help, Charlie had tried, Renee, Angela, countless shrinks, everyone had tried to 'help her move on' 'find peace', 'regain control over her life'. She didn't want to move on. She didn't want to find peace. But she did want control.

So she told the shrinks to fuck off, told Jake he would be better off without her, told Charlie and Renee she loved them both, thanked Angela for trying and moved to the East Coast for college. She applied to schools all in the northeast and got accepted into Mount Holyoke, an all female college, and her first choice. If she never had to see another man it was all too soon. But even though she went to a college for all women, when she got a job as the clumsiest waitress in history, she was flooded with male attention.

The one thing _he_ ever taught her thoroughly enough to stick was that she, Isabella Marie Swan, wasn't good enough for anyone. She wasn't even plain or ordinary, she literally repulsed and repelled. She might have been pretty enough to catch someone's eye, but it didn't matter. The thing that mattered was that she either drove away the people she wanted to be with most, like _him_, or she hurt them, like Charlie and Renee.

So at first she ignored it all. She played Good Girl Bella, studying, working, acing her classes. She was quiet. Hardly said a word really. Didn't complain when her roommate had sex with her boyfriend while Bella was trying to sleep in the room.

But about halfway through her freshman year of college, a guy she worked with hounded her again and again for a date until one day she broke down. He had been asking her at least five times every shift.

It was after his last "Bella, come on, we would have fun together, we should really go out tomorrow night." That she shouted "Yes for the love of _God_ Anthony, I will go on a date with you if you will stop irritating me!"

He had accepted it with a grin. The next night he picked her up at her dorm and brought her to a frat party at his own college.

Good Girl Bella left the building the moment she was offered a beer. She was just so tired of being quiet, tired of being sad, tired of letting the bastard, _Edward_, continue to take her life away from her. He had taken a year with his lovely words of adoration and beautiful proclamations of love, and then he had taken another after claiming he didn't want her, hadn't ever really loved her, couldn't really, because she was just a human, just a _distraction_. Well fuck it; if he could use her as a distraction, she was more than capable of doing the same.

So she drank all night. She downed beer after beer until she felt light as a feather. And then she went outside onto the patio with her date. He kissed her. And God it felt _good_ to be distracted by lips and hands. There were no boundaries. Nothing preventing her from doing everything she had once begged for. She wouldn't have to beg now. She would only have to mention it and she would be given her every desire.

That was it. The power was there. _She_ could tell _him_ no. She could make him love her and then tell him she didn't want him, didn't love him, that he was a distraction. She felt something new in her, something dark and smoky and constricting settle under her skin. She didn't have sex with Anthony that night. But they dated for six months and she did sleep with him over that period of time. Because she wanted to know what she had always wanted with _him_ and if it had any merit. Turned out it was mediocre. It had been awkward and short and nothing even close to enjoyable.

Two days later she ended their relationship. And to her shock, he spoke words she herself remembered uttering. And she responded the way she had been responded to. It made her feel sick and powerful at the same time. She wasn't sad anymore. She wasn't empty. She was _in control_.

At school, at her job, when she was going through the motions of getting her degree and earning something like a living, she was Quiet Bella, the girl that didn't draw attention to herself. But when she went out, and she went out more and more as time went on, when she was in the mood to find something to give her the feeling that she was in control of something, finally, she was anything but quiet or tame. She was enthralling, she was charming, she stole boyfriends even. And she didn't care about any of it. Until she left them.

She did the same thing with every guy she dated. She let them romance her. She talked, she batted her eyes, she let them touch her, kiss her, kissed and touched them back. She made them want her, need her, crave her. And then eventually she let them have her.

And then she let them go. More accurately, she sent them away.

_Do you know what the definition of insanity is_? She asked herself after her latest breakup. _Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It always ends the same. It always _will_ end the same._

And then there she was, with her latest boyfriend hopeful, Christopher, an electrical engineering major at the local community college. He was a boy scout really, sweet and naïve and helpful. Sweet and naïve and helpful were good traits. She had been sweet and naïve and helpful once.

He was upset. He wouldn't cry; he was too proud for that. And she wouldn't either. She didn't care enough for that.

He left the coffee shop they had been sitting in together in a huff. The woman at the next table gave her a sympathetic look, thinking perhaps she would be broken up about the split. Bella just looked back at her. Eventually the woman got uncomfortable and looked away.

It was a Friday. She knew she could go the frats tonight, pick up someone new. She was aching for a challenge. So she went back to her apartment. She primped the way she never had before she started all this, got dressed for the party and then went out. She was greeted with joyous hellos from all the guys who for some unknown reason had taken to love Bella and cautious greetings from the girls who seemed to see something in her that she didn't want to reflect. She avoided the girls. Their eyes showed her something she didn't want to see.

So she took shots with the guys, downing vodka and gin like a pro that had been drinking all their life. And when she found the one who caught her eye—a Harvard transfer hopeful with broad shoulders and a dark complexion—she slipped him her number, gave him a wink like the minx she was accused of being and left the party, a cab already waiting outside.

He called her the next day.

"Listen, I know there is supposed to be some sort of waiting period here, but I just think that you and I should go get something to eat, or see a movie, or get a coffee or do whatever the hell you want," he said on her voice mail. There was no way she was going to answer the phone the first time he called.

_Make him want you, _always_ want you more than you want him._

She called him back about two hours later. Let him sweat it out.

"Dinner," she said, "sounds like a great idea, Carter. Maybe tomorrow night?"

"Absolutely!" he said. "I mean yeah, that sounds good to me."

His attempt at sounding more smooth than he was really capable was hilarious but Bella stifled her laughter. They agreed to meet at a restaurant at seven the next night and she hung up the phone before he could make more of a fool of himself.

Dinner was of course, tasty but boring intellectually. There was no way, she was sorry to realize, he was going to get into Harvard. Kid could still try though. But he was cute, and funny, and seemed like a genuine enough guy, not someone who was going to try and screw her over. So she told him he could call her again. Gave him a goodnight kiss. He nearly fainted when she gave him an innocent peck on the lips. She wasn't sure what he would do when things got hot and heavy. She knew they would. He had been itching to get his hands on her at the party; she had been able to tell.

She felt a Cheshire cat grin spread over her face when she realized she had hooked him. She went to bed victorious.

But this relationship was overshadowed. Every date they went on was good, progressed the way she wanted to, but he was so damned careful with her, never made a move to do anything other than some heavy making out. She was getting impatient. He was a nice guy, really, a gentleman even, but it was frustrating her.

"Is something wrong, Carter? Did I do something?" she asked. He looked at her, perplexed.

"It isn't that I don't appreciate you not trying to get into my pants from day one, but we have been dating for three months now, if you want to feel me up a little, I promise I won't cry 'rape'."

He blushed. The poor kid blushed.

_There was a time when you would have too._

"I just…believe me, it isn't that I don't want to…just…something made me realize that we should wait, not push the physical stuff."

She was stunned. But she sighed and agreed. If he didn't want to push it, that was fine, as long as it wasn't that he didn't want her.

He kissed her thoroughly enough after she said that to convince her that not wanting her _definitely_ wasn't the problem.

Things progressed slowly. And the unfortunate thing was that whatever was left of Good Girl Bella convinced New In Control Bella that she should be falling for him the same way he was falling for her.

But she _couldn't_.

He could say the sweetest things make her believe he was in love with her, make her believe he wanted nothing more than to be with her, spend his time making her happy, but no matter how hard she tried, she would never make herself respond in kind and mean it. She said the words of course, oh I adore you too, Carter. Oh you mean the world to me, Carter. Please just come over and hold me, I want to be with you tonight, Carter.

And he ate it all up. Because she knew how to say the right things. And like every other man, everyone else who didn't look for an ambush in a beautiful girl, he didn't think twice.

When strange things started to happen, Bella didn't question them. Why was it strange to find flowers at her door? Carter always sent her flowers. Why did find more rest in her sleep now than she had in years? She must have been sleeping more hours than she had been able to for a long time. Why did she hum when she cooked or cleaned, fall asleep with a smile, feel safer walking home from work late at night?

It didn't make any sense, the feeling of calm that she was experiencing, the emptying of anger and hostility, but she accepted it as another stage of her life and didn't think too much of it. Things like that continued to happen, weird occurrences, strange emotional responses to things, like the way the Old Bella would have reacted. But again, it wasn't worrisome, only perplexing. But Carter was occupying her time. She didn't think about it.

Until she invited Carter over for dinner, and hopefully, finally something physically satisfying. He buzzed her apartment at exactly seven and she let him in. When she answered the door he had a bouquet of lilies which she took from his hands, set down and then hugged him. She was about to pull away and lean up for a kiss when she smelled, her face buried in his chest, a strange, familiar scent on him, woven into the fabric of his shirt.

She inhaled deeply once more, to be sure, and then she wrenched herself away from him.

It couldn't be. It just fucking _couldn't be._ There was no goddamn way. _He_ couldn't be here, not in this town, not after three years, not after what he had done to her. _He_ couldn't be trying to find her.

Couldn't couldn't couldn't.

Fuck fuck _fuck._

"When…when did you see him?" she asked, her voice breaking, higher pitched than she remembered it being.

"Who are you talking about, babe?" he asked, confusion all over his face.

"The tall, bronze haired asshole who had his hands on your shirt, probably trying to make some stupid point about my chastity or innocence or some other bullshit like that, _when_ did you see him?" she demanded. She was furious. More than furious she was fucking _livid_.

"Which time?" he asked back. His voice conveyed that he had no idea why she would be so upset. That meant he had no reason to lie.

But the words 'which time' honestly made her blood boil and freeze. He had seen him more than once? He went to see this guy, this nobody in her town _more than once_ but hadn't deigned to come and see her, not one single time. Not that she wanted to see him, but the satisfaction of slamming the door in his face would have been more than worth the increase in nightmares.

"_Every time_," she practically growled.

"The first time was…right after we started dating. He told me to…not be too eager with you when it came to sexual stuff. Said you were innocent, fragile, that I had to be careful. Said he was your cousin. He was outside when I came to see you tonight. Said to remember what he told me last time. Told me the same thing as last time, if I mentioned it to you I would be sorry, you didn't like your overprotective cousins stepping into your life. I told him you didn't need his help, he…made his point pretty forcefully," Carter answered quickly. She stood, motionless. The flowers had been from _him_. The lack of nightmares were because _he_ was watching her, guarding her sleep, leaving in time to make his scent dissipate or watching from outside her window. She felt safe because _he_ was keeping her safe, watching over her when she was in possibly dangerous situations. She was becoming closer to Old Bella because_ he_ was around, and even if she didn't know it consciously, her body did.

She knew what he had been doing. He had been checking up on her. He had been doing that obsessive, irritating thing he always did even back when they were in high school and keeping tabs on her. She hated it then, when they were dating and he was making sure she was safe, and she hated it now when he had no fucking right to be keeping anything on her, let alone following her around. She didn't know why but she was damn well going to find out.

After she got rid of her current obstacle, the man she could never look at the same now that he had reminded her of _him_.

"Get out," she told Carter, her affect flat.

"Bella, I―"

"Are you fucking deaf? Get out of my apartment. We are over, Carter. Don't call me. Don't send me flowers. Don't try to change my mind, just get the fuck out," she said. He said nothing. He blinked. His mouth opened and closed. He looked like a fish out of water, trying to breathe. She didn't give a fuck. She couldn't think about Carter.

She had to threaten to call the police before he got that she was serious and with aching eyes looked over his shoulder as he walked out the door he had only just come through.

But Bella's mind was consumed. She couldn't believe it. The selfish son of a bitch, how dare he leave her, _leave her_, and then try and dictate her life, tell her boyfriend how to treat her, leave her flowers, stalk her.

But the worst part wasn't the anger, and God was she _angry._ It was the tidal wave of pain that swept her over. The smell of _him_ had lingered in her nose, reminding her of the fact that he was here, close by. She was no longer upset that he hadn't wanted her. She knew what she was worth. She knew she wasn't any good for anyone, least of all him, but the fact that he was here…it was unbearable. She could take knowing that he hadn't wanted her when he was far, far away and she didn't have to know about him. But when he was where she was, when he was near her, it made her whole body ache. And so she shoved the pain under, she made it disappear and focused on the rage that had been battling quite forcefully as her chief emotion.

She had half a mind to call him out right then. But she knew he wouldn't answer. He wouldn't come out and answer for the shit he had put her through three years ago and the trauma of smelling him on her ex-boyfriend unless he was forced to show himself. She had literally felt he heart tear in half again when his scent entered her senses and she able to tell to whom it belonged.

How could she possibly forget?

_You are my life now._

The words, in his voice, floated through her mind and stung her all over, like bees or being covered in electrodes. She felt her insides fighting to stay above the line of depression, above the pain again. She pushed down harder, bringing In Control Bella to the surface, the cold, and calculating and detached bitch of a self she now occupied. If he was going to try and screw with her, he was entitled to do whatever he liked.

But he knew Old Bella, head over heels in love with him, would do anything for him, Bella. He didn't know New Bella.

And when you pushed New Bella, she pushed back.

So for a few days she pretended things were normal. She threw out Carter's flowers, put the trinkets he had given her into her ex boyfriend box and moved on. She worked. She went to class. She didn't make it seem like anything was wrong. But all the while she knew exactly what she was doing.

Saturday nights the bars down the street let out around the same time she got out of work at the restaurant. Ever since she had a seriously frightening run in with some drunks she always called a cab to take her home on Saturday nights. She knew Edward just couldn't help but rescue a damsel in distress, most especially when she played the damsel and there was a group of men harassing her.

But that Saturday night she did not call a cab. When her manager asked her about it, she said her boyfriend was picking her up at the end of the shift, not to worry. She walked outside in her black flats, black work pants, a shirt that was lower cut than she normally wore to work and her jacket slung over her shoulder. It was a little chilly but she was willing to face the cold.

The fastest way home was directly in front of the bars and she walked past them with swagger. God she was practically inviting something the way she was flaunting herself in front of drunk, middle-aged men.

She heard the whistles and cat calls. She heard them asking her what her name was. But that wouldn't be enough. So she looked over her shoulder and gave them all a nervous smile. One of them hesitated, but she heard him start to follow her. She grinned to herself.

She continued to walk, pretending not to hear the footfalls behind her, or the loud breathing that was getting a little closer until a hand wrapped around her arm. She was about to turn around and shout at the man to let her go when she realize the shiver that went down her spine wasn't just from what she assumed would be a confrontation with a very drunk deluded man. The fingers that curled over her skin were like ice. She turned and the breath left her lungs. He was so much more beautiful than the sparse memories that snuck through her firewall of a conscious state created could do justice. His perfect topaz eyes, shining even in the dim light of the street lamps, his bronze hair that was just as disheveled now as it had been years ago, the last time she saw him, his lips a hard, disapproving line, his brows knit together in annoyance, his face still beautiful no matter what emotion was cast upon it.

"Are you out of your mind?" he asked. She looked behind him and saw that the men had begun to walk off. He had done something to scare them away before she had even turned around. Bella shook him off because he wasn't holding on to her very hard and wasn't expecting it.

"It is very possible," she answered.

"Do you know what those men were planning to do to you? You would not have made it to tomorrow morning," he exclaimed, making his way in front of her before she had taken a single step.

"It isn't like you really care, Edward. You saved your damsel; you can go run back into the night now. In fact, keep running, get as far from here as you can possibly go, and stay there."

"Bella, I was only―"

"_Do not_," she hissed. "Do not speak to me, Edward Cullen. Don't you dare. You left me. You left me three years ago. If you feel guilty about it now, I don't actually give a fuck. I don't want to hear it. I want you _gone_, out of my life. You did so well being out of it for the past three years. Why didn't you just _stay gone_?"

He looked at her as though he honestly couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I…I didn't mean to upset you," he said quietly.

"Then maybe you shouldn't leave me flowers or follow me around or watch me sleep or tell my boyfriend if he can or cannot fuck me," she shouted. He flinched every time she swore, more so when she spoke of having sex. "I am not innocent young Bella anymore, Edward. I am not nice or pure or any of the things I was. The girl you left _doesn't exist_ anymore."

"What happened to her?" he asked, his voice like quiet silk. He looked down, at his hands, or his shoes, or her shoes even. He counted cracks in the pavement.

"She died. She was systematically murdered by the shards of pain _you_ left behind, by not being able to love Jacob even though I knew he loved me, by the way Renee and Charlie tried to fix me like I was some appliance they had broken with shrinks that didn't understand that when I had said forever, I had meant it literally, by the boys I make fall for me and then screw and then push away hoping one of them will push back, will fight for me, even though none of them do because They can't. They won't. Do you know why? I'm not worth it. Even when they claim to _love_ me, I am not worth fighting for. You taught me that."

His eyes rose and met hers. He looked as though he had just been sucker punched.

"I never meant―"

"It doesn't matter what you meant to do, Edward. This is what you did."

"You are so angry, Bella," he said, as though he was surprised. She almost laughed.

"What the fuck did you expect? Happy, sunshine Bella, living some sort of fucking fairy tale life, happy as can be? You didn't think it would hurt me when you left, that being told I was nothing but a distraction would change me? You told me that a year of my life, the _best_ year of my life was a lie, that I didn't mean a damn thing to you. You confirmed my worst fear, the one thing I had always prayed you would prove me wrong about but in the end only cemented—I wasn't good enough for you. I am not good enough for anyone. You didn't think maybe, that would fuck with my head a little?"

"You must believe me, Bella, my intentions were only to give you the chance to have a normal life. I wanted to give you the chance for a life without the threat of death, without darkness. I wanted you to have light. I never thought you would become―"

"A bitch? A whore?" she provided, words to fill his silence.

"Like this," he answered. He looked upset, a little angry, and disgusted. She couldn't take the condescension.

"Don't look at me like that, Edward."

"I promise you, Bella, I'm not trying to…I just don't understand. Why all the men, why all boyfriends, one after another, never more than six or seven months? Why charm them, make them care for you, sleep with them and then shove them away?"

She shook.

"You _left me_, and I can't feel _anything_ unless I see it from the other side. You left me and I _died_, Edward. So yes, I am angry, and I sleep around, and I push people away, I make them care about me and then I shove them away like you shoved me away because I don't love them like you didn't love me and it makes me hate them a little for it. Because I feel what it feels like to know someone cared about me and not care about them and know that it is exactly how you felt. I am _trying_ to understand. But they are just like me. I tell them to go the fuck away and they don't argue or fight, just like I didn't. How could you do it? How could you know how I felt and watch your words destroy me like I watch mine destroy them and just walk away?"

There were tears threatening to spill over her cheeks. But she choked them back.

"I didn't know," he whispered.

"No, you didn't know. If you had stayed, you would have known. If you bothered to actually care about _anyone_ but yourself, you would have known."

"I _did_ care! I _do_ care! I love you now, I loved you then, and from what I can tell by these last three years I will _never stop loving you_."

The tears did spill. She clenched her fists and bit her lip and shook her head slowly back and forth.

"Please don't say that. Don't lie to me."

"It isn't a lie, Bella. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I left, because I loved you too much to put you in constant danger. _I_ was the biggest threat in your life, and I couldn't be okay with that. I thought you would get over it, get over me, and be happy. I knew it would hurt, I saw it hurt you, but I thought it would fade. I didn't think it would…damage you this way."

"Well congratulations, you ruined me by accident. Now if you will excuse me, I need to get home," she said, her voice wobbly at its strongest moments, a whisper at its weakest.

"Bella, please, don't leave, not yet," he said, desperately.

"So strange that the one person who has ever begged me to stay, is the one person I just want to leave."

She heard him say her name over and over as she walked away, like none of the others ever had, like she didn't when he walked away from her, and she had to put her hands over her ears to block out the sound.


	2. Lie To Me

**Hello again, readers! So glad to have you back! I hope you enjoyed chapter one, of my ridiculously twisted story. Poor Bella, right? But poor Edward, too. You might not sympathize with him yet, but you will, I think. I feel as though it is my duty to warn you, reader, that this story is rated M very obviously for language, but also because there is possibly going to be a lemon in this short story. Havent decided, but its very possible. Just you know, so you are informed. Not in this chapter though, so much still has to happen! So enjoy darlings!**

Stupid _stupid_ son of a bitch she was going to kill him. She didn't know how to kill him herself but goddamn it she was going to find a way. He followed her, talked to her recently made ex boyfriend about their physical relationship, she forced him into the open and he told her that he still _loved her_.

The lying, manipulative, pain inflicting _son of a bitch_.

If there was one thing she didn't want to hear him say it was that. She had spent years of her life grappling with his admission that he didn't love her, that he had been lying, been _distracting_ himself with her. She could understand, after a while, the need to distract oneself. Three years had gone by and without the distractions she had accrued for herself she was sure she would have gone insane, been left to do nothing but think and think and think. He had been on the earth for over a century; the idea of doing such a thing without a distraction wasn't something Bella found attractive, for herself or anyone else.

She just wished that she hadn't been the one to distract him.

How could she have been so stupid? She told him she loved him. She told him she wanted to spend _forever_ with him. She had tried to get him to change her. She was an idiot. She chided herself for it every day for months and months until she could tell herself how stupid she had been for thinking he wanted her, for telling him so, for just letting him leave without fighting or telling him how much he was hurting her. She had told him last night but it wasn't quite the same. She never stood up for herself with him. She let him walk all over her.

I don't think we should be friends, Bella.

I want what is best for you, Bella.

I don't want you to get hurt, Bella.

I don't want _you_, Bella.

She let him walk, and keep walking until he was gone.

If it happened now, that last moment in the woods, when he told her he would always love her, in his own way, that he didn't want her, because she was human, because he wanted to stop pretending she would tell him he could go fuck himself. She would tear him a new one for lying to her, for promising her things he didn't follow through on, for destroying her.

But she hadn't said a damn thing. She hadn't fought for herself or for what she had thought they had. She hadn't even tried. She let him go because he had made her see what she really was—unworthy. And even though she knew it now, it didn't change that she had learned a few things in the past few years, one of them a skill she called 'fake it till you make it'. She didn't believe now that she was any more worthy of him, or anyone else. But she would damn well tell him she thought so because it would mean that she could show him what it felt like for him to crush her so completely. She hadn't years ago, it was only right if he wanted to make things like they were, with his obsessive stalking and proclamations of _love_ that she could act like she was eighteen again and push her hurt off on him.

The only problem was that no matter how hard she had pushed, no matter the pain she had seen on his face when she told about what it had been like for her for the past three years, she still felt it. She had said to him everything she had ever regretted not saying, told what hurt her, how badly, made him understand what it was like on her side of their equation. But it hadn't made her hurt any less. And that only made her angrier.

Making him hurt hadn't taken away her pain. The only thing that would do that, her many many shrinks had informed her, was forgiving the person who had caused her so much pain.

But she just couldn't do that. She couldn't forgive him for stealing four years of her life. She couldn't forgive him for lying. She couldn't forgive him for leaving. And she certainly wasn't about to forgive him for coming back.

So she just dug her heels in, suffered, and went on with her life. Carter did as she asked and didn't try to contact her at all. And surprisingly, nor did Edward. She was sure he was going to try to woo her, make an effort to win her back. The problem was, she wasn't his to win. She had been so many things in the past three years, but his wasn't one of them.

So she worked, and she went to class, and she partied some. She knew he was still there, though. He wouldn't leave now, _couldn't_ leave, she was sure. She could feel him there, now that she realized what the feeling was she had been experiencing for weeks. She could tell when he was close, when he had just been somewhere she was. It made her insane to know he was still watching over her, like he was some sort of guardian angel and not the man who ruined her. But there was nothing she could do about it. She certainly couldn't make him leave. And it wasn't as though she could call his family and tell them he was here. If Alice didn't already know he was here, she would be shocked. But if she didn't, Bella didn't know how to get in contact with any of them, no matter how much she had missed their company over the years. She always knew she wasn't the most loved person by all of them, but she had been a part of their family, for a little while at least. And what would she tell them, even if she could call them? _I know I haven't spoken to any of you in years, but Edward is stalking me and I would like it if one of you, Emmett maybe, could forcibly remove him?_

That didn't sound like something even New Bella could say.

So she dealt with the shadow that watched over her, understanding there was nothing she could do to stop him and that even if she did talk to him again and try to convince him to leave he would only ignore her words and try to tell her why he _had to stay_. Because with Edward, everything was literally life and death, you had to do something, or you just couldn't do it. Things were never as complicated as what you wanted and what was right, it was _I have to_ or _I just can't_. It was _I love you so completely_ or _you are a distraction_. She had tried to speak in his language of extremes, but he hadn't heard her, or if he had, he thought he knew better than she did.

The thought of him _still_ assuming he knew what was best for her made her grind her teeth in rage.

But life went on, even in her aggravation and annoyance. The semester ended and she went to working at the restaurant full time. She made tips enough to cover her rent and utilities and used her actual paycheck for groceries and spending money. The summer was always good to her for money. There were the same summer flings and dramas between the employees that she watched from afar without getting the least bit involved in.

Because try as she might, Bella found it impossible to get involved with anyone else. Not because Edward scared them off—she was almost positive he wouldn't make a mistake like that again—but because no one interested her. In fact, most of them annoyed her. She couldn't take the way they acted like she was theirs to grab or touch or talk to exclusively when she hadn't given them such a privilege. It made her insane that the confrontation and Edward's continued presence made her unable to enjoy herself in any sense of the word as far as her extra-curriculars went. She would have loved nothing more than to take out her aggravation at him and her current situation on a bottle of Jack Daniels and some aspiring pre-med, but she just didn't have it in her anymore. So she worked, cleaned her apartment, watched old movies, went to bed, and did it all over again, in a different order. It wasn't glamorous, but it was something she could trust. The repetition gave her something she could rely on, if nothing else.

She was getting out of a late Thursday shift, counting her tips for the night and smiling smugly at the hundred dollars she was pocketing. She put the money in her pocket. She walked down the sidewalk toward home. She heard the kick of car exhaust. She heard someone yell her name. She looked up.

And then she felt the pain.

There was shattering glass, the impact, her body falling to the ground, and blood and broken things and a sudden profound agonizing aching that ripped through her utterly. Bella was accident prone. She had endured broken bones, sprains, stitches and everything in between. But all those injuries were nothing in comparison to the torturous misery that ripped through her body then. She registered, somewhere, distantly, that there was a car speeding off, and her mind put it together that she had been hit by it, but it was a fleeting thought. She could hardly focus on anything. She just felt the anguish. Like being stabbed and beaten and burned. It was all pain pain pain _pain_ and she couldn't make it go away. She heard someone screamed and realized it was her own voice. When she quieted herself she heard another sound, smaller, but no less desperate or hurt in its sounding.

"Bella! No, no God no, please. Bella, my love, please, talk to me," a voice pled. Her eyes flickered open reluctantly. It was Edward. He must have been watching her, just far enough away that he could get to her in time. And God, he was beautiful. She wanted to touch him, to make sure he was real, really here in this moment with her, even if it was one of her last. She tried to raise her hand to touch his face. But she couldn't. She couldn't lift her arms, either of them. Was she really losing blood that fast? Was this going to be it, the end?

She felt her whole body trembling, her breath coming in and out of her lungs in punctuated, sudden, brief gasps. It hurt to inhale, to draw breath, like her insides were filled with broken glass. She winced in pain every time she tried to fill her lungs desperately with oxygen.

"Oh God, oh Bella, oh please, please, hold on, I am going to get you to the hospital," he assured her. He leaned down to pick her up and she saw him flinch. She saw him screw his eyes closed. The blood, she thought briefly, the smell must be killing him. But even as he assured her he would take her to get help, he glanced at her another moment and shook his head.

"Bella, listen to me now, try to listen. You won't make it to the hospital. You are losing too much blood, far too fast. I can't stop it, and even if I ran you there, you wouldn't survive. Now this is the important part."

He stopped. He swallowed. Bella wanted to scream at him to hurry. She could feel it. She didn't have much time. The adrenaline and the endorphins were starting to kick in. The pain, for the moment, was lessening just enough for her to think coherently.

"I can either….let you die, or…or I can change you right now, damn you to save you. I won't make that choice for you, but you don't have a lot of time. So tell me, tell me what you want me to do," he said. His voice was filled with desperate supplication.

The moments of coherent thought were quickly dissolving. But in them she thought about her life. She had been empty, angry, forlorn, depressed, suicidal, lonely, bitter and cold for years. Her happiest times had come when she was seventeen years old. She couldn't do it anymore. The physical pain was threatening to drag her under, but she feared spending eternity as she had spent the last three years more than physical anguish. She wasn't strong enough. She didn't have it in her. There was too much to hate about herself and life, too many things that hurt her, too many people _she_ had hurt. So she thought. And then she gasped another breath. She closed her eyes as warm tears leaked out of her eyes. She hardly felt them.

"Let me die," she whispered. She shook again. She cried out in agony. She couldn't see him but she could feel him sob as he gathered her in his arms.

"Oh Bella, I love you so much, so much."

She opened her eyes and she looked at him, his topaz eyes set upon hers, bronze hair everywhere, beautiful as a god and she believed him. Or she wanted to believe him. In these her last moments she needed something like comfort.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. She felt him sob again. She felt herself getting weaker. He told her he loved her again, over and over and over.

And then he drew back for a moment, and looked her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said.

She gasped in a few more breaths. And then everything was black and gone and empty.

And for a moment, the emptiness consumed her and she wondered, if that was truly what death was, just a void, an endless nothing that she could not ever find the limits of.

And then came the fire.

It consumed her, cracking, burning, stinging, making the pain she had experienced from the accident seem like a paper cut or a stubbed toe. This was not from gashes and bruises and breaks. This was a pain that started somewhere wholly different. She disappeared into the agony, into the abyss of it, no way of escaping, nothing she could do to make it stop. She screamed, she thrashed, she begged for it to stop. And she felt, all the while, as though there was someone there with her, watching this torture, trying to ease the process.

It wasn't working.

Bella knew, she knew somewhere in her distant mind what was happening to her. She could feel it, something in her was changing. She thought for sure she was in hell. There could be no other explanation for that kind of pain. But the pain, while never quite abating, seemed to move through her methodically, as though it were thoroughly inspecting and fixing and changing her every cell.

She knew it, somewhere she knew it, but she couldn't put it together. Her mind refused to work in a coherent fashion for more than a short burst here and there. The rest of the time she was just trying to think of cold things, glaciers, the North Atlantic Ocean, avalanches, hail, blizzards, frozen ponds, penguins, Alaska, air conditioners, freezers, popsicles, ice cubes, polar bears, ice flows, _anything_ that wasn't hot. The idea of fire, the sun, a warm shower even made her want to scream more than she already wanted to. At her best moments she could pretend she had just gotten a really horrible sunburn. At her worst moment she could not deny that she felt like she was being burned alive from the inside out.

She didn't know how long it lasted, how many hours or days or months or years she was in paralyzing agony, but when it finally ended, when the fire seemed to dim first to an ember, and then down to nothing at all, she felt relief spread through her, a cool wave.

She opened her eyes for the first time, because this was the first time she was capable, and was overwhelmed. The colors of everything were so bright and vivid they almost hurt her eyes. She saw everything in perfect detail, down to the last speck of dust on the bookcase across the room from her. But when she took the time to really look where she was, she didn't recognize the room. The sounds outside—birds chirping softly maybe twenty yards from the open window, tree boughs soughing in the wind that was blowing pleasantly, the sound of quiet growing of flowers and trees and other wild things—were not the sounds she associated with her apartment on the side of a major road in her town. It was never so quiet, even though the cacophony of tiny noises seemed far from quiet. This was nothing like the noise she was used to.

It was upon taking her first breath—and the shock of realizing she hadn't been breathing was enough to frighten her into a gasping first breath, to fill her lungs until she could inhale no longer only to realize that she didn't need the oxygen—she smelled something distinct. It was like honey, and dew mixed with something masculine and deep. It was Edward. She would know that smell anywhere, even if the scent had never seemed so nuanced until that moment.

She knew, unconsciously, what was happening. She had been changed. Edward had changed her. This was the world in the perspective of a vampire, and she was just now coming into a consciousness. She remembered the accident, the pain, remembered him being there, offering his love, and his choice. She couldn't understand why she would agree to this life after what she had been through, but she was far too inundated with more important things like the fact that when a dust mote floated by her face she could see it perfectly, smell it, almost hear it as it pushed the air aside.

But where was Edward? She smelled him, strong enough that she this must be a room he frequented often, and the bed she was in made her think perhaps it was the room he used as his bedroom, no matter how useless the bed was for him. She breathed in again, slower this time, taking time to inhale all the smells around her. Wood polish, pine, wild flowers, Edward of course, fabric softener, old books, leather from the bindings and a thousand other things she could pick out if she really desired it.

She used the breath she had drawn to say his name. As soon as she had she clapped a hand over her mouth? Was that really her voice? It had seemed so lyrical, like a song and not a voice at all. She said his name again, testing her vocal chords to see if they would produce the same sound. They did.

She was in awe of herself. Her senses were unbelievable, she didn't know what to do with the sudden sensory overload. It was like being born all over again and entering a kind of infanthood. Everything seemed new all over again, like something she had never seen ever in her life. Her whole body hummed with energy and information. She would have to learn to turn this out if she were ever to manage day to day life.

The thought passed through her mind and the next moment Edward opened the door, stepped through it slowly, with caution.

When he saw her he completely ceased motion. He could literally be still like no human could. And he froze instantly, stared at her like he had never seen another person before, unabashedly, with disbelief and awe and glee in his eyes. She could practically read every emotion on his face; he wasn't trying to hide any of them.

"Bella?" he asked. Bella almost flinched away from her name when it came off of his lips. It sounded like a symphony.

"I know that this can be overwhelming at first. And if you want some more time alone, I will understand, but there are some people who want to see you," he told her.

"Your family?" she asked. She could hear them now, after realizing it was other people she was hearing. Their muffled movements, quiet fidgeting, talking. If she cared to, she could concentrate and hear their conversations. He nodded. She was still in shock, still trying to remember what had happened exactly, fight through the haze of her memory, but she broke out in a grin when she thought about seeing his family. Edward himself she was wary about, but his family had done her no wrong.

She got up off the bed, felt her feet touch the ground as though she were walking on a cloud, and followed him out of the room, through a hall, down a flight of stairs and into a room where his entire family was waiting for her.

No one spoke for a long moment. They took the time to quietly see each other once more, Bella with her new eyes and senses, they registering her as she looked now, three years older and no longer human.

"Hello," she eventually said awkwardly. She thought for sure it would be Alice to rush forth and embrace her, but instead it was Esme, who was across the room one instant, and in a line of motion Bella was actually able to follow, was beside her the next, clutching her close, holding her.

"Oh you have no idea what it has been like these past few years without you. It was like losing a child, to have you missing from my house. It has been dreadful to miss you so much. You must never never wander off that way again," Esme chided, pulling back, looking into her eyes with motherly affection. Bella laughed and assured her she had no intentions of doing such a thing. The next to come to her was Alice, who hugged her close.

She took a turn embracing the entire family, save for Rosalie and Edward. She knew her memory was going to fade of all of them, become sparse memories of her human life, but she remembered enough. Rose never liked her and she and Edward were not on the kind of terms that allowed embraces.

"What have you been doing these past three years, Bella? We have all been just beside ourselves with curiosity," Esme asked her. Bella thought back to the last three years of her human life.

They had been filled with anger, hatred, sadness, despair and an insanity in the repeated trials she put men and boys into to try and fix what had been broken so many years ago.

"I went to college. I got a job and an apartment. It is kind of simple, but it suits me," she replied. She felt Edward shift, heard his feet move against the floor, felt the air next to her move as he moved away from her just the slightest bit. She cast a look over her shoulder at him, and he was staring at her, the same concerned look he had given her when they had fought. She did not know how many things she was going to remember, but she remembered that fight, the heartbreak on his face that matched the anguish she had felt for years.

Her heart was torn, one part of it wanted to pity him, the other part knew he deserved it.

"Well we are all glad you and Edward were able to work things out," Esme said. Bella had turned to her when she was speaking, but she glanced in horror at Edward when she said that.

"We haven't really decided anything, Esme. Bella and I only just started talking again. We shouldn't make any assumptions."

Esme nodded, her face a little more somber than it had been the moment before. But before anyone else could make any awkward comments, Alice suggested that she take Bella hunting. Far be it from Bella to resist Alice. She remembered enough to know that there was no point. And there was a faint ache in the back of her throat that she had a feeling was what she had always heard them refer to as the thirst they experienced. So she nodded in assent, and she and Alice, after little convincing, went off to hunt alone.

Without a word Alice took off running, and Bella had no choice but to run to catch up. When they were deep in the forest Alice stopped abruptly. Bella skidded to a stop, needing to dig in her heels a bit. She looked at Alice in embarrassment, who only grinned.

"You will get used to it, don't worry. Now, I know this is going to seem strange to you at first, but it is as natural as breathing used to be for you. Just close your eyes, breathe in deep, listen, and you will find what you need," Alice instructed.

Bella did as she was told. She closed her eyes and stilled herself. She listened closely to the movements around her. The moving of wings in the air as a bird flew gracefully through it, the rustle of tiny creatures as they moved about the ground, the sound of water somewhere not far off. And the sound of hooves as they moved over the ground. Once she heard the sound she inhaled deeply, and as soon as she caught the scent of the deer she was off. She couldn't make her body stop. She needed to go, chase them down, and devour the sustenance they offered to quell the aching burn in her throat that they had exacerbated.

She hunted. She ran down the deer she had smelled, and without a thought she killed one, snapped its neck and drank the only thing that could cool the ache that was pulsing through her like her lost heartbeat.

Upon sating her thirst she stood, wiped her mouth and shook her head, trying to regain a sense of composure. Alice was standing not far from where she was, watching. She nodded in appreciation.

"I'm glad you were able to hunt with that kind of ease, it can be hard the first time," Alice told her. Bella nodded, thinking about the moment that had just passed. She hardly remembered herself, only that she had needed something so badly and before she had time to really think about it, her body was moving to attain it.

"If you think you are okay now we can go back to the house," Alice suggested.

"Sure," Bella said and she began to run until Alice caught her arm.

"Maybe we should walk."

Bella looked at her, confused, but said nothing.

"What do you remember of the past few months, Bella?" Alice inquired.

"Your brother showed up, and we fought," Bella admitted, remembering how bitterly she had spoken, and the feeling of it, the pain she had felt swept through her with such strange clarity. She remembered the feeling of abandonment, the anger, the desolation, feeling like it was all her fault. She winced inwardly. "And then after that we didn't talk for months, but I knew he was still there. And then one night…there was a car accident, I was hurt…Edward was there and…he changed me, damned me to save me, he said."

She echoed his words as she remembered his face in her mind the way it had looked that night. He was in such agony, she could see when she looked back. He was hurting right there with her. He had told her that he loved her that night as well, and that night, Bella had believed it. She didn't know if that still held true.

"Is that all you remember from the night you were changed?"

She thought again. There was pain. So much of it. But that in her mind's eye wasn't as awful as she knew it had been. She remembered Edward's words, begging her to talk to him, telling her he loved her, asking her what she wanted him to do. And maybe it was from Alice's prompting, or because she was only now focusing on it, but she remembered, through the pain of pulling in air, though she could barely breath or move, telling Edward to let her die.

She had asked him to let her die.

So why had he changed her?

"Alice, I didn't…"

"I know. I saw it happen, saw the car accident, but of course Edward through his phone away a long time ago when I told him that coming to see you wasn't as good an idea as he thought it was. I wanted to tell him about it so he could protect you, but I couldn't reach him, by the time I got the vision it was too late to simply hop on a plane. And I saw you die. I saw you ask for death and I saw Edward reluctantly give you your wish.

"But then, I saw a vision that started the same, you dying, you asking him to let you die, and him ignoring it. I am not trying to put a wedge between you and he, but if you didn't already know that…Bella, I never knew why I was changed, I don't know if I asked to just die, I don't know what happened to me at all in those last few moments. I would give anything to know the truth, to understand. I don't think he is lying to you on purpose, but he certainly hasn't told you the entirety of the truth yet, about a lot of things."

If she had still been human she would have lost her breath.

How dare he? She asked him for one thing, _one thing_ and she thought of all those things he would respect that wish of hers, to obey nature and let her die, like he had always told her was the natural order of things. He had fought her tooth and nail about being changed three years before, how had things changed so much that he would override her decision, explicitly given, and change her anyway? She felt her face harden.

"Bella, you have to know he only did it because he loves you."

She practically hissed.

"If he loved me _so much_ he shouldn't have left me to begin with."

"That isn't for me to explain. Just, talk to him, you have every right to be angry, and he has every right to know why."

Bella felt her brow furrow as she took off running, Alice in tow not long after. It didn't take long to get back to the house, and even though she knew she had dirt on her clothes, and smelled like she had just eaten, she didn't care. Sensory overload to a backseat to the anger she felt.

When she entered the house she opened the door, and immediately found Edward, sitting in a chair, reading a book in the living room. He looked up and set down the volume, not bothering to mark his place. He stood. He opened his mouth. And Bella let him have it.

"_What_ did you do to me?" she demanded.

He looked quizzical, as and Bella noted Alice's entry to the house she answered his questioning stare.

"How could you do this to me when I asked you not to? I asked you to let me die and you changed me anyway?"

"Alice, how could you tell her?" Edward exclaimed.

"How could you keep it from her? She deserves to know," Alice replied.

"And I was going to tell her," Edward argued.

"When? When she had already started to trust you again? Were you going to tell her once she was settled into the life she thought she had chosen, _must have chosen_, if you gave her the choice? You would have broken her trust in you again, Edward."

"I…Bella," Edward said, turning his face from Alice to Bella, supplicating with his eyes, "I'm sorry, I know I should have listened to you, but…"

"But what, but you love me? Loving me, Edward, doesn't mean you do things I don't want you to do, even if you think you are doing the right thing. And you always think you are, don't you, you always think you are doing what is best for me, even when all you are doing is fucking me up!"

There was silence between them then, pregnant with meaning.

"You may not remember what I said to you years ago, Bella. I told you I could not live in a world where you don't exist. I meant it. I spent three years without you and it nearly destroyed me. The idea of watching you die, of holding you in my arms while you lost your life because I have been careless, because I was stupid and let you go, wasn't there with you to protect you, was too much. I love you, Bella, more than anything in the entire world. If there was something I could have done to keep you human I would have done it in an instant. But there was no time. And when you wanted me to let you die…I know there was a time when you would have begged me to change you. It was wrong. It was selfish. It was stupid. And I am…more than sorry. But the idea of a world without you…there would be no world for me. I would find a way to die. I would have to."

"What do you want me to say? That I forgive you?" she asked, incredulousness coating her voice. She sounded like bitter notes, dissonance.

"Only if you truly do," he said.

"I don't," she answered, and before they could argue any more, before he could say more words she didn't want to hear, she turned on her heel and went outside.

Edward did not follow her.

**What?! you say, how did all of that happen in one single chapter? I never expected that! It is okay. I didnt really either. hope you like it :)**


	3. Intervention

**Greetings, readers. First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to review. I always appreciate feedback! Second, this chapter is a little shorter than normal, it is kind of...an in-between chapter. But I adore it. And I hope you do too!**

**Read on, gentle reader, read on :)**

"Bella?"

The voice that followed her out was not Edward's. She thought for sure he would chase after her, or Alice at least. It was neither the man she was angry with nor the woman she had considered almost a sister. It was Jasper.

"Jasper, I am really not―"

"Up to talking, I can tell. But if you don't want to talk, can you listen for a moment?" he asked. She sighed. She nodded.

"I know how angry you are," he started.

"You don't understand," she interjected hotly.

"No, I don't understand, but I know, literally. Being an empath does have its downsides, but this is one of the more convenient features. I can literally feel how angry you feel. You are full of rage. And you are full of what you think is hate."

"You doubt that I hate him?" she asked with disbelief. Jasper shook his head.

"Not at all, I think you believe very much that you abhor him more than any being on this planet. But if there is one thing I know about hate, it is that no person has ever hated someone the way you hate Edward without loving them," Jasper said. He had a quiet voice. It was easy to listen to, like strumming a guitar, calm and slow and gentle. It made the bitterness of his words go down easily for a moment before Bella choked on them.

"I _did_ love him," she retorted. The hostility was rolling off of her in waves.

"You do love him," he replied. It was insane how one word, tiny, changed in tense alone, could completely change a phrase in meaning and importance.

"I understand wanting to hate him, Bella. I understand because he hurt you and he betrayed you and he went against the one thing you ever really asked him for that mattered. But he loves you and―"

"Oh, would everyone _please_ stop saying that! He doesn't love me, Jasper. He doesn't love me. He told me so, years ago. He didn't love me then; he doesn't love me now."

"He told you that?" Jasper asked. His voice tightened, like the strings of his voice were being tuned and turned too tightly, straining. Bella nodded.

"In the forest, when he told me goodbye, when he left me years ago he told me he didn't love me, never really had."

"Are you sure?"

"I might not remember everything, but I remember that." She wasn't lying. One of the memories branded into her mind, hazy as it might have been, was the memory of standing in the woods with the man she had loved more than any other creature had ever loved anything else in the whole of history and hearing him tell her that he didn't love her, couldn't love her. It hurt her, inside out, piercing her through, just to think about it. She winced. So did Jasper.

"Why would he say something like that?" Jasper asked. Bella, in all her new senses, with abilities unparalleled, didn't realize Edward had approached them until he spoke.

"So she would let me go," he said quietly. His voice was bittersweet, a violin, painful for the hearing because it was just too beautiful. Jasper shot him a look, telling him to back off, to leave so he and Bella could talk before he tried to have another conversation with her. But Edward was stubborn, always had been. Some things never changed.

"What are you talking about?" she asked. Her fists had been balled in anger at his intrusion, his constant insisting that he always be involved even if she didn't want him to be. But she was relaxed now, not because she felt at ease, but because she didn't know what else to be.

"You wouldn't have let me go. I could see it in your eyes. You loved me so fiercely. And God, I love you the same way, but I knew, if I didn't lie, if I didn't tell you that I didn't love you, you would never have let me go, never have moved on."

"Is this what you call moved on? Trapped in this body, with this anger and grief for _forever_. Is that what you wanted for me?" she demanded, the anger building under her skin once more. He shook his head.

"This is not what I wanted at all," he informed her. "I wanted to come check on you now and see you entering your last year of college, preparing to enter the world a wonderfully intelligent, courageous, excited young woman who would find a career to suit her and make her happy. And I wanted to find you again in a few more years and find you with a man, a human man, one that could love you the right way and keep you safe. One that wouldn't have to run away every time you got a paper cut, one that could be with you completely, love you in every way a man is supposed to love a woman and not be afraid of killing you.

"And in a few more years I wanted to come again and find you married and a mother, taking care of the children you might have had because you would have been a wonderful mother. And your children would have been beautiful. And you would have taught them to walk and ride a bike and write their names, and let your daughter cry to you about boys and high school and watched your son grow into a man and you would have been happy. And when your life ended, Bella, I would have known it, I would have _felt_ it, and I would have been there with you in the end. And then I would have taken my own life somehow, because you are the reason. Do you understand that? You are the reason for everything. I got the Spanish influenza and got made into the monster I am, I existed for a century _waiting_ for you, because I was supposed to meet you in Forks three years ago. I was supposed to love you. I have lived every day since our meeting being completely in awe of how much I love you, and I have spent every moment of the time we have been apart just trying to fill in the holes that have been left with your absence. I am for you. Everything I am is yours. It always has been and always will be yours. I was made for you, Bella, in every way. And I was…beyond remiss when I left you. I just wanted a _life_ for you. Not death and terror and this world of feigned permanence. We will live forever. And if forever comes and goes and you still cannot forgive me, I will understand. I left you. I lied to you. I betrayed you. I hurt you more than I would ever like to admit. I know I cannot ask you to love me again. But I can beg you, _beg you_ to forgive me."

There were fighting emotions raging inside her. She of course still _wanted_ to be angry with him. She wanted to hate him, know he was a bastard who had only ever used her and then left her, who had chewed her up and spat her out and expected her life to fall back into some sort of normalcy. She wanted to remember the pain as best she could and steel herself under it, bring New Bella to the surface and let her fix the situation, shove him away, tell him to take his explanations and go to hell.

But she couldn't. Because as much as she didn't want to see it, she _could_ see the pain on Edward's face. He was hurting, just like she had been hurting. He hadn't left her to hurt her, hadn't left her because he didn't want her, hadn't left her because she didn't mean anything. He left her because she meant _everything_ and he couldn't bear to hurt her. She was faltering; Old Bella was flooding her with emotion, with understanding, with stubborn affection for the man in pain before her. She wanted to slap him and comfort him and scream and cry and be held. Because it hurt to see him hurt. When she thought of him as an emotionless bastard it was easy to hate him, but when he was standing before her, so clearly in insurmountable amounts of pain, it made it difficult to despise him as she had taken to.

"Edward," she said, all rage gone from her voice. She felt her bottom lip tremble. "I…I don't know if I can." He closed his eyes and took an unnecessary breath.

"I understand," he whispered. His words flooded her with pain and regret and love, so much _love_, perhaps because Jasper was so overwhelmed with all of their emotions and couldn't help but let some of it slip out, or perhaps because she was so vulnerable to it to begin with and Edward was practically exuding it all.

Bella couldn't take it anymore. She ran.

* * *

The house Edward had rented was literally in the middle of nowhere; the cabin was used for hunting only during the winter, and was three miles from anything else in every direction. It was perfect for a new vampire, being too far from anyone who might stumble on them and accidentally get killed. Bella had free range to hunt and feed whenever she needed—which was often—and she ran no risk of hurting anyone. The family was staying in the cabin with Edward for a little while. Carlisle called into his current hospital and said he was taking his children and his wife on a long past due vacation, and they had a full two weeks without obligation.

But Bella felt stifled. She was grappling with things she didn't know how to handle. She knew things had happened in her human life, things that were gradually slipping away from her memory. But just because she couldn't see them didn't mean she didn't know them. She had fallen in love with Edward, and he in love with her, but he had left her. For whatever reason, he had gone and left her alone and she had turned into someone she never wanted to be for years. She had been angry and alone and she had used people to try and fill the gaps in herself. But it hadn't worked. She didn't remember much about whom she had been but she knew she wasn't happy. And then Edward had come again, and she had sent him away, only to be with him and be changed by him when she had been on the edge of death, even though she asked just to die.

It still made her angry.

But those things, the things that made her angry and sad and hurt were rapidly leaving her mind. There were times when she couldn't remember why she was hurting, only that she was. And among her gradually fading, still hazy memories were of course other things that weren't so awful. She remembered Edward pretending to chase her in the warm summer rain the summer before her senior year in high school. She remembered him catching her up and swinging her around and kissing her until she couldn't breathe. She remembered the way she had felt right then, when he had put his forehead to hers, dripping with rain but not caring one goddamn bit as he told her he loved her. His eyes were golden and his words made her feel like she could fly.

God had she loved him.

And every time she remembered that moment or one of the few others that she could still recall, remembered loving him, she also thought of a memory she could recall without any effort, that was clear and accurate.

_You do love him._

Jasper had accused her of still loving Edward. She denied it emphatically in her mind and out loud. She didn't love him. Couldn't love him. Even though he still did love her. she had thought he was lying all the times he tried to tell her he loved her, assumed he must have been because she had thought with so much certainty that he didn't.

So now she was trying to balance out the residual hate, and pain and anger along with the love she knew she had felt, that Jasper told her she still felt, and the knowledge that Edward loved her still. It was making her run circles around herself. She couldn't reconcile all the things she felt, all the things she wanted. She wanted to hate him. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to forgive him. She wanted to feel as happy as she did when she was seventeen and human. She wanted to move on. She wanted to stay.

She couldn't be a million different things, no matter what she might try.

So she tried to shut it all out. She hunted. She fed. She walked in the woods, exploring the capabilities of her new senses, the nuances and intricacies she now possessed. She filled her time equally between sating the needs of her new body and exploring its capabilities.

About a week after she awoke from the change she was leaving the grounds of the cabin, a place she stayed most of the time, leaving only when the pressure of the family there or the thirst became too much, when Carlisle called out to her. Bella stopped and waited for him to make his way to her, which took less than a split second.

"Would you mind horribly if I came hunting with you today, Bella?"

"Do you promise not to ambush me with some sort of intervention about Edward?" she asked in return. He laughed. And then he nodded. She told him to come along if he could keep up.

They ran, not exactly together, but certainly not apart. They took down prey, fed, slaked the thirst that burned them in a way it was impossible to describe, and then they ran back to the cabin. When they entered the clearing the cabin stood in, they slowed to a walking pace. It was still faster than human running, or even a human driving a car, but it was slow by their standards.

"Did I ever tell you," Carlisle asked, "about Edward when he was a young vampire?"

"He has told me a few things, but I don't know a lot about it," she admitted. He smiled and nodded.

"He was such a particular young man, so young still in so many ways. He was seventeen when he was changed, and that youth did not fade from him for a long time. If you think he is stubborn now, you should have seen him then. When Rosalie was made, when I suggested he try to find companionship in her, you should have seen the horror in his eyes. It was as though I had suggested he murder his own mother. He utterly abhorred the idea. And then Rosalie found Emmett and of course it was obvious that if Edward had wanted her, it would not have worked because she and Emmett are made for each other. And when he and Tanya had some of their more interesting run ins years ago I suggested again that he look into himself and perhaps into her to see if she could be his companion. She is a beautiful woman, and smart, talented, wise. But again, he was disdainful that I even mentioned it."

"I thought you said you weren't going to talk about Edward," Bella said, biting her lip.

"No," Carlisle corrected, "I said I wasn't going to stage an intervention. I am not going to tell you that you should forgive him. I am not going to try and convince you that you should let him back into your life. My son is not the only one who checked up on you. You were as much my child as Alice or Edward or Jasper or Emmett or Rosalie. When Edward brought you into our world, when he brought you into our lives, he made you my daughter, and that made me curious. The first year was the hardest for you, I saw. You brought everything you had left of yourself inside a place you could keep it deep inside you. You withdrew completely. But when you finally broke out of your shell in college, something I prayed you would do, it wasn't the way I had hoped, the way a father would hope his daughter would come out of her shell. I watched you self destruct over the years."

He paused and looked her straight in the eyes, as she stared back. She didn't know what to think about the fact that he had come back to check on her. But strangely, it made her feel comforted. She thought for the longest time that when Edward left his whole family must have been happy to be rid of the human invasion in their lives, but knowing that Carlisle cared enough to see how she was, even only from afar made her feel like she hadn't ever really been alone, even in the times when she had felt most like she had.

"I love you like my own child. I have seen you how you have been hurt. But I want you to know, that he has had women fall at his feet, women throw themselves at him, women older, more knowledgeable, more suited for him than you were when he met your poor little seventeen year old human self. But he never wanted any of them. He never wanted _anyone_ until he met you, and he hasn't wanted anyone else since. I believe we are all made for one person. My wife and I were lucky enough to find each other; Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, they were all lucky enough to find their match. And if you think Edward was just part of your past I will understand. But _he_ thinks you are his match. And if you have even a sliver of doubt, even a moment where you think the same, you owe it to him, and to yourself to forgive him, if nothing else."

"Do you think that I should?" she inquired, her voice like a whisper.

"I think my son loves you, and I think you love my son, even though it hurts you to admit it. And I think if it takes you a century to confess it again, no one would blame you—hurt like you have experienced goes deep into a person, it latches on and stays there. But I also think you both deserve all the happiness in the world, the kind a parent dreams of for their child. I think if you forgive him and choose to love him again, I will be happy for you. And I think if you decide you cannot forgive him, cannot love him, I will understand."

Bella did not say anything for a long moment after. She shook. And then she hugged Carlisle.

"Thank you," she told him. She didn't have to say it. And when he left to go into the house, to find _his_ match, Bella collapsed onto the ground. She lay there on the grass, the end of summer sun dancing lazily on the ground beside her, making her skin glint and sparkle. She watched the sun move over her shimmering flesh and sighed. Whether she liked it or not, she was who she was because of Edward, literally and figuratively. He had made her the woman she was, made her body what it was. Some days she despised him for it, other days it didn't matter.

Move on move on move on.

Her body and her mind kept telling her. She could hear the words, someone telling her, a shrink maybe? Reminding her over and over what she needed to do.

_Until you forgive whoever I was that hurt you, Bella,_ the voice in her head told her, _you will never be able to move on._

She couldn't dwell, shouldn't dwell.

Move on move on _move on_.

Part of her wanted to run. Running would distance her from the love and confusion and hurt and anger and all the things that made her feel as though she was being torn in a thousand different directions. If she left right then, no one would stop her. Even if Alice saw her go, it wouldn't be in time to prevent her from doing so. She could go, right then, leave it all behind her, make a new life somewhere else. Eventually the pain would fade; she would forget why she ever hurt in the first place. And she would forget the happiness of her human life. She would find solace in a different place, different vampires maybe, a new family she could be with to ease the process of her transition into being someone else.

"Would you mind if I sat with you?" a voice asked. She had been so utterly lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Edward come out of the house or cross the yard to her. His voice took her completely by surprise. She didn't think as a vampire she was supposed to be taken by surprise, but that was the second time he had done it. In her startled state she shook her head, granting him permission to sit with her. He folded himself onto the ground beside her and said nothing for a long time. The silence was somewhere between comfortable and agonizing. There was something he clearly wanted to say, but wasn't saying.

"I'm sorry," he began, pausing for a long moment, "that my family has taken it upon themselves to try and talk you into forgiving me. I know they mean well, but it really is not their place to do such a thing."

"Whose place is it?"

"It is no one's place. You have to make that decision. I have said what I can say to make you understand. If that did not convince you, nothing else should."

She nodded, said nothing else for a time. Trying to hold a conversation was so _difficult_. She didn't know how to say any of the things she wanted to say.

"Don't go, Bella," he said before she could think of anything else. She looked over at him in puzzlement.

"I never said I was going to go anywhere," she replied. He smiled sadly at her.

"You didn't have to say it. I came outside and that look on your face was exactly how I felt when all I wanted to do was run. When we first met, I don't know if you remember or not, but Bella, you tested my strength. You smelled _so good_. It was a struggle not to kill you. But you also intrigued me because I couldn't—can't—read your mind. I hated you for tempting me, but I couldn't help but want to know you because of the mystery you presented. Being so conflicted…I couldn't take it. I ran all the way to Alaska to get away from you."

"So it was okay for you to run, but I shouldn't?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

"You have always been stronger than I am, Bella. That was never something I disputed."

A moment passed.

"You came back though," she offered, not done talking yet.

"Yes," he agreed, "I came back."

"Why do you always run from me?" she inquired. Edward turned to look at her, from the blade of grass he had been studying intently. He studied her face, as though he thought he might find the answer there. He shook his head slowly.

"I don't know. I think too much for my own good I suppose. It doesn't matter now does it? All the reasons I had to run—a normal human life for you, your safety, my own doubts and insecurities—all of it is inconsequential now. You cannot have a normal human life. You are as indestructible as I am now. And my insecurities are my problem, not yours."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying...don't go. Please."

"I'll think about it."

"That's all I ask."

A few more minutes passed, only moments, flashes in eternity. Bella rose and dusted herself off.

"I'm going hunting," she announced as Edward looked at her with questioning eyes. He nodded at her explanation. It was a lie—she really just needed to go somewhere else, to think and ponder alone without anyone else's opinions winding through her own thoughts—but if he knew it, he didn't say anything. Newborns needed to feed so often that it wasn't completely unbelievable.

Bella began to walk, making her way to the edge of the forest. She stopped just before the tree line and turned around. Edward was still sitting on the ground, watching her go.

"We were happy, weren't we?" she questioned. Edward closed his eyes and turned away his face, a very human gesture, as though he were trying to fight off tears. When he opened them again and looked at her, there was inexplicable sadness in them, oceans of topaz colored melancholy.

"Yes," he whispered eventually. Bella nodded slowly. She had known the answer to her own question.

She could remember that happiness, vaguely, briefly, like a dream if she could still dream. She would have given anything at that moment to fall asleep and chase that dream forever.

**Its...so...angsty! But, I will announce here and now that there will be a HEA. Not for a couple of chapters, but yes, there will be. I won't tell you how it gets there, but I can assure you that this won't all be sad. I hope you liked this chapter (I adore Carlisle!) and if you did, tell me all about it! ;)**


	4. Go Heavy On Me

**Hi readers. How are you? good? excited? me too. this chapter is a transitional chapter, as I like to call it. I'm pretty sure this one won't have you wanting to cry by the end, hopefully the exact opposite. enjoy! :)**

"Are you sure that you have to go, Alice?" Bella asked, her voice was low and quiet and she _knew_ what the answer was going to be, but she needed to ask anyway. They had spent their two weeks at the cabin as promised, but there was only so long Carlisle could be out of work and the Cullen family children could be out of school. She had known they were going to have to leave at some point, known it since she had woken up, but she didn't think two weeks were going to pass so soon. For the past three days Bella had been gloomy, and the weather had reflected her mood, clouded over and chill, unhappy damp and dark. She hadn't pouted outwardly, had tried to enjoy Alice's constant motion and energy, Esme's motherly affection, Jasper's distant but comforting presence, Emmett's boisterous, ridiculous behavior, Carlisle's fatherly wisdom, even Rosalie's off put demeanor. She wanted them to stay, to never go anywhere and surround her with people she had missed, people she had loved, people whose place in her life didn't confuse her. Even if it was unpleasant, she knew where she stood with each of them.

But the idea of being left alone in this place with Edward terrified her. Ever since the conversation they had where he asked her not to leave, they hadn't spoken much; a casual greeting when they passed each other, or he would ask her how she was if they were accidentally alone in a room for a few minutes, but nothing more. There was distance between them now, distance like hadn't even been there when she had been so angry with him. Anger connected them; anger gave her a conduit for her feelings and brought them together, even if she hated it. But now she wasn't even angry. She wanted to be, tried to be furious, but she had seen the pain in his eyes, the way he had spoken to her about his hopes and dreams for her life and the pain in his eyes when she had asked if they had been happy. He looked like she had just punched him in the stomach when she asked him that. There was such exquisite sadness in him it had hurt her to look at it. Since then the anger, the hatred, the rage had died. Because she couldn't be angry, she didn't know how she was supposed to act around him. He made her uncomfortable.

And so when Alice told her, "Yes, Bella, I do have to go. We all do. I'm sorry, I wish we didn't. But I promise you, everything is going to be fine' Bella felt herself deflate even further. Alice noticed her dejected demeanor and smiled brightly.

"You are still my sister, Bella. You always were. I saw it years ago when we met you in Forks and I still see it. I have always seen it. You _are_ my sister. You were meant to be my sister. Even if you aren't with Edward, you are my family."

Bella smiled. Alice always knew how to cheer her up even if she didn't want to be cheered. So she grinned and hugged her goodbye, and then everyone else, saying she would miss them immensely and embracing them. Her smile faded as she watched them depart, running back to the place them lived, about a three hour run from the cabin. She sat down on the lawn and felt a deep sadness run over her. It hadn't been long enough with them. She had gone years without seeing them, and she felt like she had just gotten them back, only to have them taken away again.

While she sat and missed them, it started to rain.

"Bella."

Edward spoke from the front porch, watching her as she sat in the pouring rain, as the dirt became mud, as her clothes were soaked through and through. She turned her face to his and looked back at him as he stood completely dry and then stepped into the rain with her. He walked to her side and extended his hand. She didn't need his help getting up. But Edward was ever a gentleman, needlessly even. She took it tentatively, touching him for the first time since she had died.

When their flesh connected she felt a spark, a jolt of electricity pass through her. If her body could have broken out in goose flesh it would have. She felt her entire body betray her and she shook it off as she got to her feet.

"I would say you will catch your death out here, but I hardly think that's applicable," he said. He was getting just as drenched as she was as they stood together, not saying anything.

"I miss them already," she finally confessed. He smiled sadly and nodded

"It never does get easier to say goodbye them. You only get more used to it," he replied. Their words were stilted, awkward. But she nodded. She realized she was feeling less sad, calmer almost. The rain was already letting up.

"Come inside?" he asked quietly, a request, with hope coating his voice like honey. "I think we need to have a talk."

She said nothing but gestured for him to walk in front of her and she followed him back to the house. He had, thoughtful as he was, gone and retrieved dry clothing for them both and set it in the front hall. They went to opposite ends of the house to change and then met back in the kitchen, a room they used for nothing and seemingly the only room fitting enough to speak in. They sat at the island that was there just for show and said nothing for a few moments before Edward took a long breath and began.

"Now that my family is gone, I have…reevaluated some of the dynamics of this house. I have come to the conclusion that…you should not feel obligated to stay here. Esme expressed that she would be willing to take up a secluded residence with you until you were capable of controlling your thirst around humans if you would rather go with her. I know I asked you not to go, but…I realize that it would be selfish of me to keep you here if it makes you uncomfortable. The absolute last thing I want to do is make you feel any discomfort."

He was looking at his hands, fidgeting with nervous energy, so un-Edward. Bella watched him and for the first time she didn't feel contempt, anger, pain, sadness, pity or anything of the like. She felt…amused. Not in a mean spirited way, only because it was—awful as it was to admit it—adorable the way he was stumbling over himself. So instead of looking serious when he looked back up in her eyes with questioning sincerity and uncertainty she laughed.

"I do not know what is so funny, Isabella Marie," he stated flatly, nerves gone replaced by classic frustrated Edward. She didn't know how she knew that it was classic, but she did. It made her laugh harder.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Edward. I wasn't making fun of you."

His expression became more frazzled with her words. She suspected the word panties hadn't come out of her mouth very often as a human, least of all around Edward.

"Then pray tell, what exactly was so amusing?"

"Edward, I don't remember what it was that made me be so blunt but I seem to have a feeling that it worked. So why don't you stop telling me what you think we should do, or what you don't want to have happen to me and just tell me what you want."

"You," he answered automatically. "Unequivocally, always, unbelievably you. I never want anything else. I want you to stay. Even if things don't go back to the way they were before…before I ruined them, I want you here."

Bella took a long, unnecessary breath, inhaling the scents that swirled around her, concentrated, pure, undulating about hers and Edward's forms. She listen to the quiet sound of the world around her, the ever present rushing of a forest stream, birds calling to each other, animals digging and running and scampering, trees in the soft wind. And she looked. She practically stared at Edward's face. He was being simple, plain, honest. And it showed in his eyes and the way he had sighed after he had spoken—a very human gesture and so one he did without thinking. Some habits, it seemed, were impossible to break.

"It's difficult for me to know what to do around you," she said quietly. He tilted his head in a 'go on' kind of way, but said nothing.

"I know I loved you. I know you love me. I also know you hurt me. I know you lied and did awful things to me, but I don't remember them anymore. I remember the general feelings behind my memories, but most of them are so hazy that trying to remember exactly what happened is nearly impossible. I just know two things. I was angry and in pain, and that I loved you. And sometimes all I can think about is how hurt I was, how much pain I was in, the agony. And other times I remember how happy we were, I remember smiling and loving and being so blissful."

Edward continued his silence but seemed to flinch when she mentioned the anguish.

"Can you tell me something you remember, a story from when I was human, about when we were together?" she asked. She didn't really know why she was asking, but she wanted to know, wanted to hear from him what his happiest moment with her had been. She needed to hear in his voice how much he still believed in her.

"The summer before your senior year in high school," he began; eyes off to the left, mind much farther off than that, "you told your father that you were going to be sleeping over Angela's on a particularly warm night. We went up to our meadow. I made you a picnic for dinner. You stayed up with me until the early morning hours, lying together, watching the stars move across the sky, sometimes not even needing to speak, just knowing that we were there together. You fell asleep in my arms and when you woke up in the morning the first thing you said was that you loved me. I don't know if I have ever been happier than that exact moment."

She could almost see the faraway place and time he was referring to, almost feel the blanket spread beneath them, smell the grass and flowers growing around them, taste the night, feel the warm air and his arms around her as they stared at the sky and counted shooting stars.

"Sounds wonderful," she said distractedly. He answered her affirmatively in much the same way.

Could they be that happy again? Could she just let go of the strangeness she felt around him, the left over anger, even the lingering love and start all over? Did she even want to? What was to guarantee that he wouldn't just leave her again? He had told her that all his reasons for leaving her null and void now, that they didn't matter, wouldn't and couldn't affect him now. For a moment she forgot about the bad things and just tried to think about the good. She hadn't felt truly complete since he had last held her, told her that he loved her.

Edward's voice pulled her out of her reverie.

"What?"

"I said that if you have to think about it, I will understand, it is a big decision to make and―"

"I will stay."

Edward's face brightened immediately. The smile that crossed his face was the first she had seen since she was changed, and it made her smile too, to know he was happy.

"I am not making any promises about what will happen just because I will be here," she warned him. But even her caution did not dampen the expression on his face. He was ecstatic. He hadn't thought she would stay, she could see. He thought it was already too broken, that she was a china plate he had dropped and all the crazy glue in the entire world couldn't put her back together. And for a long time, even though she didn't remember all that had happened, she knew she had felt the very same way, like he had shattered her and she was in too many pieces, some he had even taken with him, and there was no way she would ever be whole again.

But what she had told Edward wasn't a lie. She didn't remember things exactly, more like an echo of a conversation, a home movie of a scene in her mind. She couldn't remember anything _exactly_ but she did just know a few things. Some of those things were the basic outline of what had happened between them, the love was strong as was the hurt, the ache, and the anger. She didn't know if she could say the love was stronger than the pain, but it was at least as strong. It washed over her in a tidal wave just like the other things. She was just as afraid of drowning in the love she had felt for him as she was of being pulled under the misery that had held her for years. But because she couldn't really remember either thing it was hard to ally herself one way or another. She had known both with him, both pain and happiness, joy and rage, hurt and love. Human Bella had felt these things with Edward. Vampire Bella had felt the residual emotions, still did sometimes. But she didn't know if she could maintain the ferocity of the emotions forever. She didn't know if she could forgive or love him either, but she knew for sure that she wouldn't hate him forever.

"I know you may not want to hear this, but I love you, Bella. I am so…relieved that you are going to stay. I would have understood if you had wanted to go, but I am so happy that you do not," he told her. He smiled again, stared down at his hands for a moment and then looked back at her, crooked grin in place on his unfairly handsome face; eyes a smoldering golden color that would have made her heart beat out of her chest were she human.

"Come on, Edward," Bella chided. He peaked an eyebrow at her.

"Come on, Edward, what?"

"I am not human, you can't dazzle me anymore," she pointed out. Edward chuckled and when his eyes met hers the smile was gone from his lips but remained there in the swirling topaz.

"We shall see darling Bella, we shall see."

* * *

**So? What did you think!? Not so awful, right? Actually a little lighter, hopeful maybe? Hope you liked it, tell me if you did.**

**Also, an e-cookie to anyone who can figure out what Bella's gift is going to be. I didnt exactly hide it, but still.**


	5. Be Still

For the first few days alone, she and Edward were awkward with each other. Their interactions were stilted and forced. Every conversation was like torture. But after about a week they settled into a routine. Bella still needed to eat twice a day, so she would go out in the morning and once in the evening. Some days Edward would join her, but most days he left her to go out without him, to have some time by herself, to think and be alone.

Getting to run free, to sprint and jump and hunt with nothing but her own reflexes and body and the sounds and smells and sights around her was in many ways invigorating and the most joyful part of her day. Testing her new body in a place where she could truly let herself run wild without fear of losing control for a split second and breaking the handle off of a door, or accidentally getting too near human population and ripping into someone was a release. She would sometimes spend hours in the woods, even after she was done hunting, pushing her abilities to their limits, finding the boundaries of her new body. Without another soul to interrupt her, she was able to really explore herself.

But she still couldn't think about Edward. Their awkwardness did not just come from being alone and newly aware of each other in ways they had never been able to be aware of each other before. It was not from the thickness of the tension that Bella was almost positive she could literally feel now. It was not even in the unending hours, unbroken by sleep or making meals the way a human's life would be, it was that she could not for the life of her decide how she felt about him, or even about herself.

There was nothing she could do about being changed; what was done was done. And she could not change their history together either, though if she could have willed it, she would have done everything in her power to simply forget about what had passed between them when she was human. They had all told her at one point that your human life will simply fade from your memory after the change. And that was true for her in part, she could no longer remember much in the way of details or events. But she could remember some things, the hazy outlines, and more importantly than that, she could remember her emotions. She could remember the pain, the debilitating ache she had felt deep into her human bones for years of her life. The hurt of it had infected her flesh like a disease she just couldn't shake, and now things were different, but not better. Years of that aching had left her, in some ways, crippled. She had been so hurt, and so angry for so many years, that she felt tattooed with all that terribleness. There was no shaking the anguish and the anger, but there was no ridding herself of the entanglement and counterintuitive draw she felt to him whenever they were in the same room.

She could feel him, wherever he was, and there was an inexplicable draw she felt to be wherever he was, even though sometimes that draw also made her weak and sick. They were careful, so careful, not to touch each other, but even being nearby was enough to make her stomach hurt. Humans got butterflies; vampires got churning oceans of confusion and nerves. She thought those types of things would have been over after the change, but there were some similarities to human/vampire physiology it seemed.

Edward seemed to sense her state of conflict, if not share it completely, and in most cases left her to her own devices unless she specifically sought him out. The house was big enough that they could know where the other one was, without needing to be in the same room. It was a comfort sometimes, to know he was there, even if he wasn't so close as to make her feel nervous.

When they did cross paths, on a hunting trip or passing each other in the house or when she had something she wanted to ask him about, Edward did his best to keep his distance and remain neutral. He might have been able to fool her when she was human, but she could see now, the miniscule expressions on his face, the slight changes in his voice, the infinitesimal hesitation in his otherwise smooth movements that betrayed a kind of larger hesitation and holding back. There was something he wasn't saying, wasn't doing, and it was beginning to show.

"Are you going for a hunt later?" he asked her one night, about an hour before she usually headed out. It was an unnecessary question; he knew she was going hunting as she always did.

"Yes," she replied evenly, trying not to show her suspicion.

"Would it be alright if I joined you? It has been a few days since I've been out," he said. He was staring at the window, watching her reflection in the glass, pretending to be watching the outdoors.

"By all means, I plan on leaving in an hour," she answered. He nodded, looking back at her and left her again, a book in her hands. She continued reading it distractedly for the next hour and then set it down right as Edward came down the stairs to find her. They went out the door together, silent. As soon as they hit the tree line, they started running.

There was something about running that made Bella feel free. She wasn't as fast as Edward, but she was damn close. They would weave through the trees, try to outstrip each other, be faster, more agile, and the first to find a meal. Edward was always faster, but Bella was a better predator. It might have been because she was still so young, or because Edward had spent so much of his life actively trying to suppress the part of his instincts that reacted to food with immediacy, but he was always a second behind her when she found prey.

It was an unspoken ritual to wait for the other, whoever was the first to finish. Bella was almost always the first one to finish, being the first to find something to eat. She sat, as she always did, cross legged on the ground, listening to the world revolve around her, waiting for the sounds of Edward coming back for her. It only took a few minutes, and then she started to hear the whispering sound of him moving back toward her. She opened her eyes as he climbed nimbly over the trunk of a sideways tree.

"Ready?" she asked. He nodded, and then took off toward home.

When they got back to the house, instead of going their separate ways as they normally would have, Edward paused in the doorway, looking pensive.

"Are you okay?" he asked tentatively.

"I'm fine," she replied absently, looking at him questioningly.

"I don't mean right now, Bella, I mean…here, are you okay here."

"I…" she faltered. How could she tell him the things she didn't entirely understand herself?

"You seem so…remote here, like I am far away from you even when I know you're right on the other side of a door. I see what joy you have inside you when we're out in the woods together, and then as soon as we come back here, you've already retreated again," he said. By the end of his words he sounded exasperated. His brow was furrowed, his eyes slightly narrowed and sad. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands, too fast for her to ever have followed as a human. She wondered if he had always done that when he was nervous or frustrated and she simply hadn't noticed.

"I don't know what to tell you…I…I feel everything so intensely still, and it's all so confusing. I am scared and hurt and still so angry and I want you and I don't and I can't understand it, so I just…leave you alone," she answered quietly, looking at her shoes. She wondered briefly why she even bothered to wear shoes anymore. Habit, she supposed.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, finally. She glanced up and realized the sadness in his eyes was the truth of the things he had been holding back.

"I don't know. Yes. No. Sometimes?" she backed off the front porch, feeling angry and exasperated. She tore her hands through her hair as she walked off. She got to the tree line and pushed a tree out of her way. It felt satisfying to break something, to cause some damage. She picked up the tree, still shuddering from its impact with the ground, and threw it into the woods. It made satisfying crack and snaps as it broke other trees and braches. She felt the reverberation in the ground as it hit the ground, finally. The satisfaction didn't last. She crouched down and breathed deep, a human gesture of calming even though she didn't need to breathe anymore. She could smell Edward. She knew he was still by the door, watching her. She screamed out her anger. It didn't help.

She crouched there for a while, trying to calm herself. She felt him approaching, felt him stop less than a foot from her side. She stood back up.

"I'm sorry," she said, turning back around. She didn't think she had ever seen him look so conflicted.

"I didn't know you felt so…much," he admitted. "I didn't realize that you were so angry and sad still…I…I didn't know it was still so much a part of you. I thought that would fade over time, and it would seem I was wrong."

"We all thought it would, even Carlisle. We all assumed that the memories would fade away and all this…" she looked down at herself, as though what she was feeling was kind of physical deformity, "stuff would fade with it. But it hasn't. And I don't know if it ever will."

Edward reached out to her with human slowness, and then at the last minute, pulled his hand back. Bella was glad he hadn't touched her. She wasn't sure if she would have reacted positively to it. She _wanted_ to most of the time, and that was the hardest thing. She _wanted_ to want him again, to find her way back to just feeling neutral about him, even if she couldn't get back to reflecting the love she saw reflected in his amber eyes behind all his sadness. And there were moments, when she was most her new self when she felt at peace with him; when they were running and playing in the forest, it was like all her human conflict melted out of her. She could look at him then and feel nothing but calm, the closest thing to a true happiness she had ever known in this form, and she guessed the closest thing to happiness she had felt in a long time, even before the change.

But he was right; when they returned to their solitary life back at the house in the woods, suddenly she was too alone with her feelings, with her thoughts, were her inner turmoil. Sometimes, she could feel that same calm, and other times she would hear him sigh from the other room and she would want to throw her book through the wall at him. She was pretty sure she could assure accuracy, even through solid matter.

"Telling you I love you wouldn't do much to help, would it?" he asked, tentatively. Bella spun around and looked at him, somewhat closer to seething again.

"It doesn't matter! It doesn't," she paused, sighed, shook her head, forced down her rootless anger, "matter. None of it matters."

The next seconds were a blur. Her new eyes could follow him, but Edward was so damn fast. One moment she was standing, facing him, an arm's length away. The next moment he was there, right against her, and he had kissed her. Their mouths touched, and immediately, Bella was swept under a tide. She reached out and grabbed at him, pulling him closer to her desperately, like he was a life raft in a tumultuous sea. She kissed him deeper, feeling his arms wrap around her waist. For the briefest moment, she felt whole. She felt happy. Everything made sense again and her life was balanced. All that hurt and rage drained out of her and she was at this perfect place where nothing but the two of them existed, right then.

And then she tore away from him, like a frightened animal. As fast as the euphoria came, it was gone, and her insides were screaming that even though they didn't remember it, this was the man who had left her, who had _left her_ and let her fester and burn and suffer for years of her life. This was the man that she loved, who said he loved her, but even though she couldn't remember it, he was also the man who had utterly destroyed her. She couldn't make it go away. The sky darkened. She smelled rain on the wind, which had kicked up considerably. She wanted to cry. She knew she couldn't.

She wanted to stop everything, stop feeling this way, but she felt like she was being carried out to sea. If she had a beating heart, it would have been pounding.

"Bella?" Edward asked. She turned away from him and held her hand out to him, palm out, other hand over her heart. The sky erupted. Rain fell like sheets. Lightning flashed. She heard him shout her name again over the sound of the thunder.

She realized then that she could never be happy with him there, not then, not when she was still so new, still so vulnerable to her own whims and changes. Every time he looked at her he was gambling; she could be filled with joy or affection, or she could be overcome with an ache so deep she could not have accurately described it. Or, she could want to tear his head off his shoulders, which she was pretty sure she could do if she tried. She wanted to pull him close and shove him away. She wanted to love him, and couldn't help but sometimes hate him. Everything was wrong. And as she pushed her sodden hair out of her face, she knew this couldn't last. He opened his mouth. She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, he was looking at her like he had suddenly come to the same understanding she had. He nodded at her fractionally.

She ran. She ran and she didn't stop.

* * *

She saw him once, in Prague, just for an instant 30 years after she'd fled their home in the forest. The flash of bronze hair and delicately carved features had sent her running all over again. She had felt a thrill of excitement, but also of fear, and her fear won out. She realized with a sickness in her heart and her mind that she might not ever be ready to see him again.

* * *

She met Alice and Jasper in Buenos Aires a little less than ten years after that. They sat at a café at night, pretending to drink dark coffee drinks and chatting. The two of them had been touring South America for the past decade, exploring the ways of the humans who lived here, and visiting another pocket of vampires who lived like they did. Jasper added that the prey was more fun here. They all chuckled with knowing.

"What have you been doing for the past thirty eight years, Bella? You've checked in here and there, but for the most part the only way I've known where you were was in here," Alice said, tapping her temple. Bella smiled shyly.

"I've been here or there, Europe, Asia, and South America most recently. I was thinking of looking at a trip to Africa next. I've always wanted to see the pyramids. And for some reason I feel more…connected to things that have lasted so long," she answered, raising her cup to her lips, pretending to sip at her beverage.

"Well one day you could be as old as those relics," Jasper commented with a grin. She smiled back.

"Have you seen Edward at all?" Alice asked suddenly. It became clear to Bella that she had been trying to find a way to segue into that conversation, but had not found an entrance and decided to simply ask. Her fingers shook slightly and so she put down her cup.

"In Prague for an instant. We didn't speak to each other," she answered quietly. Jasper gave Alice a look of warning but Alice brushed him off.

"Well why not?"

Bella swallowed hard. Some human gestures were hard to shake even after almost 40 years.

"I wasn't ready," she whispered.

"He must have been early. I told him to be at that square at exactly 8:17 but he must have been early. If you hadn't seen him and run away, you would have bumped into each other. Things would be…different now," Alice said, looking off in the distance dreamily. Bella felt suddenly seething.

"You told him to come find me?" she demanded. Alice's eyes snapped back to hers and looked exasperated.

"I didn't tell him to do anything. I told him what I saw. He asked me where he needed to be and when and I told him. For both of your own goods I had hoped he would work it out, but apparently his error erased that possibility."

Bella felt inexplicably enraged and sad—angry that she felt like people were still trying to push them together after all this time, and sad that apparently it would have worked that time, and they had missed it.

The family had caught up with her after she had fled the house, mostly to see how she was faring, and make sure she was being safe. When Alice had seen her flee they had all been worried for her, and for Edward. After they realized she was okay, and not killing humans, they asked after what had happened with her and Edward, and why she had left. She had tried to explain it—the confusion, the resonating pain and hatred and love she felt coursing through her now stilled veins—but her words had seemed embarrassingly inadequate and no one seemed to understand her. Why couldn't she just be with him now, if she still loved him? What was the problem? Would not her human memories and feelings fade over time, leaving only her as she was now?

She had looked at them all, sitting and watching her, looking at her intently, and felt at once quailed and strengthened in her resolution. Much as she did now.

"In every vision of yours or his future I've ever seen, you've always been together. Always. And then after Prague, things started to ripple. And sometimes, you're both alone. For eternity. You were meant to meet and see him face to face and realize that all those things you had run away from held no sway over you anymore. You were supposed to realize that the love you felt for him was tempered by pain, and strengthened by it as well.

"But when you ran from the meeting you were supposed to have, instead of facing it, things started to change. Your chances of finding that happiness again are dwindling. There is still some slim hope if little moments work the way I see them working. I guess what I am asking you is, are you ready to be done with all this hurting and just be happy again?"

* * *

Bella sat on a bench in Central Park. She fussed with her hair, which was stubbornly disregarding her attempts to braid it back out of her face. She smoothed her dress over her legs for the thousandth time, afraid she was going to begin wearing on the fabric and it would appear threadbare. But for all her absentminded fidgeting, she was incredibly alert. She was waiting. He didn't know she was going to be here, but she knew where he would be. In approximately 37 seconds he would emerge from behind the two trees to her left and find the path and walk right past her. She counted the seconds in her head.

As ever, Alice was right, down to the last second.

Edward, dressed in dark colored corduroys and light fall jacket, stepped out of the darkness and into the overhead light from the street lamps that lit this path. A jogger ran past him, running in the opposite direction. He took two complete steps and began his third when his face twisted in a mix of confusion and curiosity. He suddenly looked around wildly and when his eyes lit on her, sitting calmly on the park bench, his whole body froze. His eyes were only things that changed, from alert to shocked and apprehensive and amazed and so, so happy. She broke the moment with a smile. She stood as he crossed the paces to her, faster than he should have in the open like that.

They said nothing, but looked at each other's faces. They were so much the same, but there were subtle differences in their faces and eyes. Bella wasn't sure what she felt in that moment, but she knew that none of it was bad. She sighed in relief of that realization. Her heart no longer registered the hurt and hate she had felt for so long. She felt only a calm recognition of another soul that she had not realized she so sorely missed.

She raised her hand and touched his face. His eyes closed and a light smile graced his perfect mouth.

"Hello, Edward," she whispered, almost imperceptibly. He opened his eyes. There was love in them.

Nothing else mattered.


End file.
